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Hey There Hoyden!
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Hoyden's Hints
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Hoyden's Hints

Dear Hoyden,

I am going to attend a prominent university this fall and I am very nervous.

I have never been away from home and I would like some helpful hints on how to succeed at college. Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

College bound in VA

Dear CB in VA,

I too went away to a prominent university one fall many a year ago and I completely understand your fears. Hopefully, the following will allow you to find success and happiness at aforementioned PU.

Always make sure you go to class. Even if you are drunk. You don't have to pay attention, but trust me, it is a lot easier to get professors to give you a break on grades if they know who you are. An offshoot of that point, make friends with your professors (not in THAT way) but remember, they are people too. They're probably just as hungover as you are! And hey - truth be told, if you had to deal with a bunch of overprivileged college kids who have more in their trustfunds than you'll make in a lifetime, you would drink too.

As for your social life, this can make or break you. I'm assuming from your note that you haven't really had that much experience attending parties with alcohol. Perhaps you and a couple of friends snuck into a Frat party once and split a Boone's Farm, but for the most part, you seem to be a drinking virgin so I'll let you in on the following keg party tips:

#1: Keg Stand - you can drop the spigot, but usually someone else is holding it, so it sprays - can be messy

#2: Shot Gun - well, this can just get messy too, but you can also plug the hole with your tongue if it is too fast (this is done with a beer can and has nothing to do with the keg - practice with a coke first if you feel you must)

#3: Funnel - another one that you can plug with your tongue - but if your tongue is too small, well, then that could be messy as well - make sure to hold the funnel well above your head for maximum funnellage.

#4: Ice Luge - provided you have someone only pouring a normal sized shot in the luge part, then you should be all set - no different than drinking a shot, but for the fact you are sitting below the funnel-y part. (Note: beware of people pouring more than a shot's worth - can get messy and super drunk)

#5: Pumping the keg - if the beer starts pouring slowly, make sure to pump the keg - this involves quickly pushing the tap plunger up and down in a repeated motion.

#6: Tapping the keg - this is best left to an experienced party-goer. Find that person and learn from them.

#7: Drinking Games - there are many games played to enhance the speed at which you are imbibing alcohol. Some of them are as follows:

  • Flip Cup - best played outdoors - need solo cups, teams, and lots of beer; players compete in a relay to drink shots of beer and then flip their solo cups upside down before other team. (regional rules may apply)
  • Beer Pong - need two ping pong balls, solo cups, two to four players and lots of beer; players each take turns tossing ping pong balls into opponents solo cups (filled with beer shots and arranged in a six solo cup pyramid) first team to eliminate all solo cups for other team wins. (regional rules may apply - possibly including tackling)
  • 3 Man - need at least 3 players and two die (wait, that sounds bad) how about a pair of dice; each sequence of rolled numbers means something different - look up the actual rules online when you are not already drunk.
  • Kings/Categories - need a deck of cards; as for rules, they really vary dependent upon where you are. Hopefully someone at the party will have an acceptable knowledge of the games
  • Quarters/Speed Quarters - need quarters and drinking glasses; players bounce quarters into glasses and tell other players to drink if they are successful; speed quarters is similar, but you play on teams in a relay - losing team has to drink
  • Asshole - need a deck of cards; now, I have never, ever played this game sober so I don't really ever remember the actual rules. I know one player is the asshole and that person has some sucky duties. Another player is President, VP, secretary and so forth. Other than that, my memory is really hazy. Please look it up on the Internet OR hope that an upperclassman can show you the ropes.

As always CB, it is important to have as much fun as possible when you leave home and attend PU. Because, trust me, you will never have as much time to have no real responsibility as you do in college. In fact, I would stay there as long as you can get your parents to pay for it.

If any other readers have advice, please feel free to comment!

Lates,

Hoyden


Posted by Morgan at 10:02 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 21 September 2007 9:38 AM EDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Thursday, 20 September 2007 - 12:15 PM EDT

Name: "College Bound in VA"

Thank you Hoyden.  It is nice to get some advice I can actually use.  I am very happy to know what I should be focusing on - like beer games - that will come in handy throughout my entire life!

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