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Hey There Hoyden!
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
Office Etiquette
Topic: Hoyden's Hints

Dear Hoyden,

I've just accepted my first job since graduating from college and have been invited to a reception with some colleagues from work. I'm writing because I'm not really sure how to conduct myself in this type of environment. It's a party but kind of also a work function. What should I do?

Confused in Corporate America

Dear CCA,

First off, you sound hot? Are you? This is important for a number of reasons. I'm not sure if you are a girl or a guy, but I can tell you right now, if you're hot, then it will make this situation easier since hot people can get away with a lot more than not hot people. You are obviously at least somewhat smart, though, hence you writing to me for advice. So, let's get on it. The advice I mean.

OK, if this is your first job, I'm guessing you don't have very much money right now (unless you're a trust fund baby, in which case, do what you want, you don't need this job.) So, you're low on cash and access to fancy alcohol and food, both of which will be appearing aplenty at any corporate event. My advice is to take advantage of this. Of course, you don't want to get too crazy and end up throwing undergarments over the side of the building you are on or vomiting on a senior VP; however, there is a way to avoid this AND have a good boozy time. Recruit a partner in crime who you will throw under the bus by making sure he/she is at least twice as drunk as you are, then no one will pay attention to what you are doing. Preferably this person should also be less attractive and in a more senior position than yourself. Don't go for the hot mailroom dude or the slutty (but hot) secretary. This will not bode well when you are trying to deflect attention from your drunken missteps.  Secondly, make sure to drink from several of the same drinks at the same time. If you strategically place these drinks around the reception, you can convincingly seem to only be drinking one drink the whole night as no one will ever see you with an empty. Feel free to bogart other colleagues drinks as well when they aren't paying attention. Their insistence that someone stole their drinks will only lead others to think they are too intoxicated to be drinking at all.

Finally, if you find yourself in a situation where you believe you are making a fool of yourself, don't stress about it, calmly walk over to the bar (or one of your strategically placed drinks) and get yourself another drink.

Hope this helps!


Posted by Morgan at 4:17 PM EDT
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Thursday, 20 September 2007
Hoyden's Hints
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Hoyden's Hints

Dear Hoyden,

I am going to attend a prominent university this fall and I am very nervous.

I have never been away from home and I would like some helpful hints on how to succeed at college. Do you have any advice for me?


College bound in VA

Dear CB in VA,

I too went away to a prominent university one fall many a year ago and I completely understand your fears. Hopefully, the following will allow you to find success and happiness at aforementioned PU.

Always make sure you go to class. Even if you are drunk. You don't have to pay attention, but trust me, it is a lot easier to get professors to give you a break on grades if they know who you are. An offshoot of that point, make friends with your professors (not in THAT way) but remember, they are people too. They're probably just as hungover as you are! And hey - truth be told, if you had to deal with a bunch of overprivileged college kids who have more in their trustfunds than you'll make in a lifetime, you would drink too.

As for your social life, this can make or break you. I'm assuming from your note that you haven't really had that much experience attending parties with alcohol. Perhaps you and a couple of friends snuck into a Frat party once and split a Boone's Farm, but for the most part, you seem to be a drinking virgin so I'll let you in on the following keg party tips:

#1: Keg Stand - you can drop the spigot, but usually someone else is holding it, so it sprays - can be messy

#2: Shot Gun - well, this can just get messy too, but you can also plug the hole with your tongue if it is too fast (this is done with a beer can and has nothing to do with the keg - practice with a coke first if you feel you must)

#3: Funnel - another one that you can plug with your tongue - but if your tongue is too small, well, then that could be messy as well - make sure to hold the funnel well above your head for maximum funnellage.

#4: Ice Luge - provided you have someone only pouring a normal sized shot in the luge part, then you should be all set - no different than drinking a shot, but for the fact you are sitting below the funnel-y part. (Note: beware of people pouring more than a shot's worth - can get messy and super drunk)

#5: Pumping the keg - if the beer starts pouring slowly, make sure to pump the keg - this involves quickly pushing the tap plunger up and down in a repeated motion.

#6: Tapping the keg - this is best left to an experienced party-goer. Find that person and learn from them.

#7: Drinking Games - there are many games played to enhance the speed at which you are imbibing alcohol. Some of them are as follows:

  • Flip Cup - best played outdoors - need solo cups, teams, and lots of beer; players compete in a relay to drink shots of beer and then flip their solo cups upside down before other team. (regional rules may apply)
  • Beer Pong - need two ping pong balls, solo cups, two to four players and lots of beer; players each take turns tossing ping pong balls into opponents solo cups (filled with beer shots and arranged in a six solo cup pyramid) first team to eliminate all solo cups for other team wins. (regional rules may apply - possibly including tackling)
  • 3 Man - need at least 3 players and two die (wait, that sounds bad) how about a pair of dice; each sequence of rolled numbers means something different - look up the actual rules online when you are not already drunk.
  • Kings/Categories - need a deck of cards; as for rules, they really vary dependent upon where you are. Hopefully someone at the party will have an acceptable knowledge of the games
  • Quarters/Speed Quarters - need quarters and drinking glasses; players bounce quarters into glasses and tell other players to drink if they are successful; speed quarters is similar, but you play on teams in a relay - losing team has to drink
  • Asshole - need a deck of cards; now, I have never, ever played this game sober so I don't really ever remember the actual rules. I know one player is the asshole and that person has some sucky duties. Another player is President, VP, secretary and so forth. Other than that, my memory is really hazy. Please look it up on the Internet OR hope that an upperclassman can show you the ropes.

As always CB, it is important to have as much fun as possible when you leave home and attend PU. Because, trust me, you will never have as much time to have no real responsibility as you do in college. In fact, I would stay there as long as you can get your parents to pay for it.

If any other readers have advice, please feel free to comment!



Posted by Morgan at 10:02 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 21 September 2007 9:38 AM EDT
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