Topic: Hoyden's Hints
Dear Hoyden,
I've just accepted my first job since graduating from college and have been invited to a reception with some colleagues from work. I'm writing because I'm not really sure how to conduct myself in this type of environment. It's a party but kind of also a work function. What should I do?
Signed,
Confused in Corporate America
Dear CCA,
First off, you sound hot? Are you? This is important for a number of reasons. I'm not sure if you are a girl or a guy, but I can tell you right now, if you're hot, then it will make this situation easier since hot people can get away with a lot more than not hot people. You are obviously at least somewhat smart, though, hence you writing to me for advice. So, let's get on it. The advice I mean.
OK, if this is your first job, I'm guessing you don't have very much money right now (unless you're a trust fund baby, in which case, do what you want, you don't need this job.) So, you're low on cash and access to fancy alcohol and food, both of which will be appearing aplenty at any corporate event. My advice is to take advantage of this. Of course, you don't want to get too crazy and end up throwing undergarments over the side of the building you are on or vomiting on a senior VP; however, there is a way to avoid this AND have a good boozy time. Recruit a partner in crime who you will throw under the bus by making sure he/she is at least twice as drunk as you are, then no one will pay attention to what you are doing. Preferably this person should also be less attractive and in a more senior position than yourself. Don't go for the hot mailroom dude or the slutty (but hot) secretary. This will not bode well when you are trying to deflect attention from your drunken missteps. Secondly, make sure to drink from several of the same drinks at the same time. If you strategically place these drinks around the reception, you can convincingly seem to only be drinking one drink the whole night as no one will ever see you with an empty. Feel free to bogart other colleagues drinks as well when they aren't paying attention. Their insistence that someone stole their drinks will only lead others to think they are too intoxicated to be drinking at all.
Finally, if you find yourself in a situation where you believe you are making a fool of yourself, don't stress about it, calmly walk over to the bar (or one of your strategically placed drinks) and get yourself another drink.
Hope this helps!
Hoyden
chatty